March - What You Got (Ayo)

I think that the first time that I listened to this song I was too tired to realize how GREAT it is!! Seriously. I just listened to it again and I am in love with this song <3 You might notice that the release date is March 31st of 2023, so yup, we are late late this time - but still here! With “What You Got (Ayo)” by Blanks! Last year in May was the last time we did a Blanks song, so it’s been a while and this song was our savior, because we sat there the last week of march, neither of us having a good song to suggest. So thank you Blanks for releasing a new song just when we needed it :) 

 

There’s so many good words in this song and the beat is soooo good - so perfect for the beginning of spring time! While we’re on that: HOW is it already spring time?? And I mean April is tomorrow and aaaaaaaahhh. Both for me and Ina that feels kinda crazy, crazier than ever because this year is really special to both of us. Ina only got a couple of months left and then she’s done with school (like what??) and I have two months left on my school exchange and then I’ll go back home. It’s scary, time’s going by so fast. I guess this song put into words just what we needed to hear - something that probably a lot of people need to hear! I hope that with Thinking Out Loud, we can spread the message a little more :)) 

 

I know, ready or not 

It’s time to make some big decisions 

Afraid I’m messing it up 

So I been hiding for a minute 

 

I’m not ready to think about going home yet. I love my home and there’s moments when I miss everybody and everything back home so so much. But I found a home here too. In those three months that I’ve been here this place just really got my heart. And I know that there is an end to this exchange, that’s always been certain. But that doesn’t mean I am ready yet. 

I know that life always goes on, whether I want to or not. And you can see that as good news as well as bad news. Good news: Life always goes on. You’re not stuck and you’ll keep on evolving. “Bad” news: Life always goes on. You might never have what you have now again. Enjoy what you got now. 

Of course we’re afraid to mess it up, I mean, big decisions are scary. You should ask Ina and her sister - I can’t even make decisions about the smallest things possible, so just imagine me thinking about what I wanna do with my life one day. Ha. And still somehow we gotta decide. But if there’s one thing that I’ve always been seeing over and over - it’s that things always work out the way they’re supposed to. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I guess we all need to hide for a minute (or two) at some point. But we also have to come out again :) There’s so much out there waiting… 

 

Forgot my way around the block, so

Ayo! On the beat

You’ll get there if it’s meant to be

 

I feel like sometimes, you’re going along your way and doing the best possible you can think of, and then you hit the wall or something and realize something new. I used to be so annoyed with myself for not having known earlier, not doing better before. But it’s more like a “I did what I thought was right at that time and now I know better.” It's as if you’d expect a baby to be able to do math and recite poems right away when it’s born, you know? You do what you know at that time and then you grow older and grow in experience. 

And then you might lose your way sometimes, but even that won’t be too bad. It’ll bring you across things that you might have never come across if it wasn’t for the detour. Whatever it is that you dream of, that you would like to get to - you’ll get there. I don’t know it, but I believe in it. No matter how many or little detours, no matter how the outcome is going to change, the universe will always have the right thing in store for you. And I believe in that just as much as I think that coffee and chocolate are two of the best things on this planet.

 

“Hey, this is your grandma calling 

I hope you’ve been following that dream, bye!” 

 

Things will get messed up and sometimes it seems like where you’re going is nowhere near where you wanted to be. But you can’t lose your sight because of that. Get your fog goggles out or something. Anything that might help you through. Pinterest, the sunrise, flowers, your cat, a good friend,... But never give up. No matter how pointless it might seem at some point. There’s always something. You gotta keep going to see it though. And even if it might not look like you’re making progress - believing that you’ll reach your dream at some point is the best progress you could ever make <3

P.S.: I’ll be that grandma someday by the way :) 

 

Wake up, you’re living the dream. 

 

There’s this quote and I’ve been seeing it quite often in the last couple weeks. “Remember when you wanted what you currently have?” 

 

We change.
We grow. 
Circumstances change. 
Our points of view change. 
Old dreams might go.
New dreams keep coming.

…

 

But right now is the outcome of the thoughts and work you put in in the past – as a different version of yourself. Exactly a year ago I was writing all my application stuff, filling in all the information to sign up for the exchange program. Now a year later I’m sitting in my own bedroom all across the world in the South of the United States. 

Sometimes it seems like we’re forever chasing. First this one dream, then this other one, then there comes another one up… And I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that - that’s us creating our future! But we gotta take a second to look around and think about what we have now. Something that we once wanted. At first I thought this whole exchange thing was impossible. Then I started believing in it. Then I was totally sat back. I started again. And now I’m here. And that can be the case with every possible thing - no matter how small or how big. Just remember to take your time and enjoy what you have now before it will be gone. The time for the other things will come, for sure. If there’s something meant for you, it’s already yours. The universe will lead you on the right track. So take a little bit and relax. Slow down and be with the version of yourself that you are now <3 

 

See, there’s songs where I need to sit down for a couple of hours to get something together that I like. Tonight I listened to the song twice, started writing and had this together in like 45 minutes. I guess that means it’s a hella good song and that you should go listen to it right this second if you haven’t already! :) 

 

I hope you liked reading March’s entry <3 I write on Thinking Out Loud to let certain thoughts out, yes. But I also come here because I feel like the world is so beautiful, despite all the things that sometimes make me rethink if I have faith in the world, and I just wanna talk about it. I wanna talk about it and see where it ends up. Whoever comes across the posts hopefully will get something out of them.

 

Lots of love, Lina <3

Okay, so I’m gonna start this one with a huge thank you to Blanks for saving our lives this month!! As usual at this point, we were struggling with finding a song to write about. And then, on March 31^st, there comes our lord and saviour Blanks with this gem of a song! And “What You Got (Ayo)” is a perfect fit, it’s destiny let me tell you!

Lina sent me a very tired voice message telling me that there was a new single by Blanks and that maybe we could write about it. And I went on Spotify and listened. And I fell in love. I was literally so baffled by how perfect that song felt, I immediately replied to Lina and we got to writing.

 

I have been following Blanks’s journey of releasing and making music for a while now and it’s amazing to see how far he’s come. It might have been spring 2021 or so, when I remember sitting in our makeshift mattress bed situation at Lina’s place and I showed her that one video of Blanks writing a Road Trip song with his Instagram followers. I adored that video and the song that came out of it (still do actually) and oh how glad I was to find Lina loved it as well. And so, our little obsession began haha!

But seriously, even though we have quite different taste in music, there’s always that common ground of songs we both enjoy and Blanks has always been a part of that!

 

Now, as mentioned, “What you got (Ayo)” once again works incredibly well with my current life situation.

 

I know, ready or not
It's time to make some big decisions
Afraid I'm messing it up
So I been hiding for a minute
And now I'm lost in the future
I'm scared, scared that I'm not enough

 

Well that’s what I call starting off strong! On my first listen these words came up and I was sold on the song. I think Lina mentioned this in her text, but I am about to be done with school. I only have three weeks left of actually attending lessons and after that there’s only the big exams left. And then …. Well what then? Funny that you would ask, cause I don’t know either. And that’s kind of a problem, because my time to decide is running out. Very very fast. To be honest the big question of what to do in the big bad scary future has been troubling me for two plus years at this point. And I did have ideas every now and then. Ideas I quite liked actually, but there were always doubts and fears. And in the end, here I am today, no wiser than I was back then.

 

And you know what maybe I am hiding. Maybe I am afraid that I’m messing it up. Maybe I am scared, scared that I’m not enough, not good enough.

I considered a few options that seemed perfectly fit for me and I even remember being sort of excited about some of them. Until I let myself be defeated by my doubts and fears. I let my insecurities and self-doubt get the better of me. And I missed an opportunity. And another. And another.

The hardest thing though, is admitting to myself that I might have made mistakes. I’ve been trying so hard to keep up that façade and pretend that every choice I made has been the right one for me, while in truth I know exactly, sometimes even when I’m still in the middle of deciding, that this is not right.

I am now working on a solution though, so we’ll see how this is gonna turn out.

 

Wake up, you're living the dream
Oh, but my eyes, they feel so heavy
And don't fall, I slip at the wheel
Oh, this is only temporary

The second verse to me felt like someone is telling you “eyy, just look at all the good things that you have, your life is great, you are living the dream and have what you always wanted!” while you’re just sitting there, drowning in guilt for having all that and still feeling like shit.

 

I do believe that we should be grateful for all good things in our lives and appreciate all that we have. But that doesn’t mean that we’re not allowed to feel negative feelings. I always told myself that my goal is to feel the way I used to again, without that constant exhaustion, pressure, desperation, sadness and fear in the back of my head. (Don’t get me wrong, there are so many positive things in my life that I am incredibly grateful for. But these emotions are just always there, peeking their heads in like “Well well we haven’t spoken in five minutes, how have you been? Miserable? Great! Oh wait, you’re happy?! Well, we certainly can’t let that happen for too long!”)

But I will keep trying to get those voices to shut up! Even though I have no recollection of what my “before” looked or felt like, I firmly believe that, even if I can never regain my “before”, I can at least find my “after”.

 

And I heard it's now or never
So I rush, rush to get up again
Oh-oh, I'm back on my feet
I'm bruised and out of breath

 

That is something else: I’m all for now or never, for taking your chances and taking a risk of two. However, in my opinion it’s important to find a balance. It can’t just be rushed like that at all times. When you’re burnt out and have no energy left to do anything really, it can be better to take things slow for a while. When you’re bruised and out of breath, you shouldn’t have to rush to get up again. You deserve to rest!

 

What I will take from this song in summary, is, that no matter what, you have to find you own pace in life. Because life goes on and opportunities come and go. Dreams come and go. People come and go. And to me, life is all about what you make of the things you’re given. In your own time and in you own way. The right things will come to everyone of us.

 

You'll get there if it's meant to be

 

Love, Ina